nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
