Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
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I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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