Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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