umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
