Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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