i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
