I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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