I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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