dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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