Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We got so high we made milksteak
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
