Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
