My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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