My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
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I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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