atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
