He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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