someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
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You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.