He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
