How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
