You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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