drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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