cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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