Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
