you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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