the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Randomize
