Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
