i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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