I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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