I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
