I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
