you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
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We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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