if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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