hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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