I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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