dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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