listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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