So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
