My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
