i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
