sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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