I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
