I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
