My sheets look like a crime scene.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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