Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
