dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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