Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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