i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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