Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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