I accidentally had phone sex last night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
