I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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