I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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