You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
