shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
