Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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