I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It was confusing and full of hummus
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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