I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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