At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
