Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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